


Me Kylo Ren

by QueenOfCarrotFlowers



Series: Archives of the Empire [1]
Category: Monty Python - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Monty Python in a Star Wars universe, very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-27 12:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17161997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfCarrotFlowers/pseuds/QueenOfCarrotFlowers
Summary: Poe Dameron's interrogation, as it actually happened.





	Me Kylo Ren

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of what we hope will be a series of loosely-related sketches in which we imagine skits presented by the Scruffy Looking Nerf Herders, a comedy duo introduced in leoba's [No Snow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16968189/chapters/39879426) (which is itself an AU based on the 1950s musical film _White Christmas_ ). In that story the Nerf Herders (Finn and Ben Solo) have a YouTube show that is a kind of combination of Monty Python and Flight of the Conchords. There are a few scripts in the story, but we wanted to make more, so here they are.
> 
> This first sketch is Poe Dameron's interrogation scene, and features text from Alan Dean Foster’s novel of _The Force Awakens_ interspersed with SaturnineFeline's rewriting of Monty Python’s "Me Doctor" sketch, slightly modified and combined by leoba.

**Narrator:**

The holding cell had no bars. They were not needed. There was nowhere aboard the ship for a prisoner to go. Even had there been, the single occupant was shackled tightly to his chair, unable to do more than turn his head. Poe knew he should have been flattered. They were taking no chance with him. But all he could think about was how he had failed his mission.

So sunk was he in depression that he scarcely reacted when they beat him. Delivered with practiced skill, designed to hurt but not result in permanent damage, the blows fell intermittently, at different times of the day on different parts of his body. He did his best to shut out the pain, much as he succeeded in shutting out the questions. What he did not know was that they were merely a softening-up, an introduction to his principal interrogator.

That formidable individual arrived in due course. Recognizing him from the attack on the village, Poe threw himself against his bonds in a final, supreme effort to break free. Demanding the last of his strength, the failure left him completely exhausted. It was just as well, he consoled himself. Fighting against the figure now standing before him would be counterproductive at best. Fighting and resistance, however, were two different things, and he resolved to focus what remained of his energy on the latter. Doubtless his inquisitor could sense his determination. Was the masked figure smiling? There was no way to tell.

While his interrogator’s greeting was far from challenging, the sarcasm underlying Kylo Ren’s words was plain enough.

> KYLO: I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board. I'm impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map, Poe Dameron.
> 
> POE: Me, Kylo Ren?
> 
> KYLO: No. Me Kylo Ren. You Dameron.
> 
> POE, shaking his head defiantly: No Skywalker, Kylo Ren.
> 
> KYLO: No! Skywalker enemy. Me Kylo Ren.
> 
> [At that moment TROOPER slides into the holding cell, out of breath, and holds his blaster so it is aimed at the black-masked inquisitor. He shouts at Poe.]
> 
> TROOPER: I’m here to rescue you!
> 
> POE: Me, Trooper?
> 
> KYLO huffs behind his mask, and stomps his foot in frustration: No! He Trooper. Me Kylo Ren. You Poe Dameron.
> 
> [CAPTAIN PHASMA enters the room.]
> 
> PHASMA: Kylo Ren!
> 
> KYLO: Me, Phasma.  
>  [pointing to PHASMA] You Dameron.  
>  [pointing to DAMERON] You Trooper.  
>  [pointing to TROOPER] You Kylo Ren.
> 
> TROOPER, shaking his head in horror: No, Kylo Ren.
> 
> KYLO, clutching his hands into fists and shakes them: No Kylo Ren? Arrest Hux, alert medical team.
> 
> POE, growing desperate: But Skywalker, Trooper!
> 
> KYLO clears his throat and speaks loudly and with authority: Skywalker _not_ Trooper. [pointing to TROOPER] He too short. Not Trooper. Skywalker enemy. Me Kylo Ren. Yew Tree. U-trecht. U-trillo, U Thant, Euphemism. Me Kylo Ren.
> 
> GENERAL HUX storms into the room: This interrogation is _over_. It’s just too damn silly. 
> 
> [HUX hits KYLO over the head with SCRUFFY the stuffed porg and drags him out by the arm, as KYLO shouts nonsense about the transient nature of time]


End file.
